So it's been a couple weeks..

That's because on June 5th I went on a first date with this guy I met online Robby. It was like fireworks. For both of us it seems, and in all the chaos my life is in right now, he still really likes me. I haven't even dated much more than the previous few weeks since my ex of 9 years and I split a couple years back.

I never expected to find this right now in my life. But it is really early. But by 33 you kind of know your deal breakers... And it all matches. I don't know what else to say about it. I've been in touch with the new therapist about it. She's just all about us staying slow. We do. Somewhat. But we have fun, and he makes me feel normal, not the weird place in the world I exist right now...

The new therapist...

Against all efforts I am still annoying the piss out of cutie Matthew. It is subsiding though, I think yesterday was the worst of all days... That sucks.. I'm just pissed because I am the girl he liked chatting with, I had no idea I would have a sudden trigger and go supermanic speed texting on him... And I tried to keep things slow with him. Guess I got a capital F there. We really seemed to have the conversational chemistry, something you don't always have online..

So life goes on. I literally arrived to my therapy appointment sweating bullets from biking it to the office. At least I was 30 minutes early, enough timw to walk around to find a can of Pepsi I felt guilty spending $1 on. I had the report my former therapist had written for my disability claim, my own history I had written up to about to lose my job, considering I have a psych history that goes back to 16.

I talked about my recent episode and where I'm restarting from. At the end she said, and after having gone through all that, here you sit still able to smile. I responded, I am an achiever, I'll get to where I need to be.

We ended the session, she pumped a fist through the air stating, as long as we have this from you, we'll get there :)

It all happens for a reason in the end :)

Wow, I was going to explain the just not that kinda girl reference for the blog, but I feel more like writing about a hypomanic episode. 

It was building over time I guess. I haven't been able to go skating the past couple of weeks, no bus money, I busted the pink cruiser that I had been riding around town's back tire, not the tube... So I've sort of been sort of stuck in the house 24*7 with my roommate Lorena. She happens to work from home. Wow... I think I started getting stuck feeling, and so much energy led to so much anxiety.

I was taking extra anxiety pills every day it seemed, red flag #1. For me my episodes suck because of the anxiety piece!!

I joined a couple dating sites, at first it was an ego boost. See, for years I was the pretty, funny, chubby chick. Now, since I can't work at all while filing my disability claim, I fill my time rollerblading (a 3 hr task) and sitting in the natural sun everyday to help me sleep through the night (and yes, after a couple of weeks it does). So all of the sudden, I'm hot... Wow, are men brave on dating sites... Not get to know you, got pics? What do you mean you only kiss on a first date? (I mean do the math, that's really gross) 

I did meet a few nice guys, but my situation generally scares dudes away, along withy boredom and compulsive messaging. F!!! That is an awful symptom... I had met a good guy named  Matthew, I was pretty well digging him, his was my kinda cute and we had that banter on chat. I think it was reciprocated too. We were actually supposed to have out first date tonight.

Something happened with my  roommates Friday that triggered a super hypomanic episode. Crying the whole night... Worst of all manic messaging to the boy that I thought things we

I don't even know half of what asshole came streaming out of my mouth to him the last 48 hrs. I asked for him to please pay my phone bill so I could talk to him? Horrified.... :/

My friend Nairb was trying to send me $100 so I could pay phone bill(omg, phone over WiFi only since the 19th... Awful feeling) and he couldn't get his full credit card to go in to the payment site ( I think he was putting spaces between the 4 card digits :/) I just really wanted to talk to Matthew... So I was bugging Brian non stop, bugging Lorena to use her phone nonstop to call and help Brian, and for sure bugging Matthew nonstop.

When Nairb, who was a good friend I listened to when I realized I was manic in Feb, finished getting my phone payment made, he was like, your mania is like level 8... Oh shit, I thought!!! It is. Luckily I have literally a Dr named amaze. I call him on a Saturday, he calls back in 15 min, we double my latuda dose and I ride out the night still manic.

This morning I woke up to the stillness I love. My brain was so quiet again, mind you I was a noodle until 10:00, but I also knew the damage I had done the previous 48 hrs with Matthew... I have a good phrase my very wise friend Patrica taught me, I am always responsible for my actions, even though at times I am not always in control of them. What better way to describe living with bipolar?? I begged Matthew for a rewind, but it was seriously bad enough that if I called, he didn't just send it to voicemail, no, I had finished this guy off so bad, he would answer and hang up in record speed.

At least my friend called me out and I listened and called the doc to get on it super fast. It all comes around though. I am slightly medicated today because of all the last 48 hrs. I went to see my therapist I moved to the south Florida area to work with, she's been around 9 years minus the last 2, and had to come to realize I no longer will have transportation to see her. That really could have turned in to a disaster for me. I understand it is only changing providers for a few months, then i at get a place of my own in a coastal area as opposed to the country. Between the extra meds which have given me the ability to understand that it's only a short term change, and the option that we may initiate contact with my sisters when we resume care, I'm ok with it.

It always comes around, always know anything can be dealt with. Losing Matthew is nothing in comparison to losing my therapist... But thank you Matthew for making me crazy not responding and hanging up on my admitted manic ass. Considering the circumstances of how my session ended and if I were unmedicated, it probably would've been a shitty date in the long run honestly, lmao.

So I'm down, though I did just write an uber long post... But there's was a lot going on, it was an episode, but we caught it fast :D that makes it not so bad ;)

Happy hump day!

Happy Hump Day! I am terribly excited to be writing my first post! The idea of my blog came about around a year ago. I was the bipolar girl who was making it all work, my meds were regular my Dr. was happy, I laughed all the time. I had a great career doing exactly what I wanted to, and I awesome at it. I was Defying Logic.

I grew up in a house with two older sisters and a mother with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. My sisters, Carrie and Sami were my heros, they always stuck up for me as a kid, and they just seemed to make life work despite the hell we had come from. It was a larger southern type city in Florida, with a large extended family. Not the kind of family anyone would have guessed what was going on inside our house.

Both of my parents were actually untreated bipolar and I was early onset, showing psychiatric symptoms by highschool. I was the one who got the magic genes of the three of us to produce bipolar disorder, but of my family, I have a mental illness I manage. They're just fucking crazy.

Being at the top of where I was a year ago, my blog was going to be about how to thrive living with bipolar disorder. How to defy the standard outcomes, the stigma. I have always been open about my disorder since I accepted it at 27 and was afraid of it. I knew the rules to live by, and when to seek help.  In fact, I reached out to two new therapists over the last year knowing I was having a problem with grandiosity, but unfortunately, both relationships failed.

When I lost my job last June, it was ok, I was awesome and would find another. My awesome resume certainly did get me awesome interviews, but something was not right, I couldn't land the job. I eventually lost my apartment and returned home after 7 years, I had been gone for a reason.

Fast forward from Sept '14 to Feb '15 and I realized, I didn't even know what mania was until that moment. The disease had turned in to something, despite being very knowledgeable about it, helping others cope with it, and making sure I was trying to take care of myself, it was something I didn't recognize. And I was in a whole heapload of trouble. My sisters and I were at odds vicious then nice, vicious then nice cycles, I felt I had no where to turn.

I had no where to live permanently, I turned in my car I bought after my first year in my career with 14 payments left, I sold all of my furniture. Ideas and Plans were spinning out of control, I was out of control. And then for reason I took the emergency mania meds I had on hand, and I woke up this time to quiet in my head. It was still a few days later after talking to a trusted friend that realized what had gone on for the last few years. For what felt like moments I walked hours around the beach town my friends parents lived in. Tears streaming hot down my face, of this can't be, I couldn't have done all this.

The words plan or idea are currently not in my vocabulary, it is a thought, or a decision. Shortly after my realization of what had been going on despite all my efforts to be healthy, I made the best decision I had made in a long time. I moved back to south Florida to work with a therapist I had worked with for 7 years before. I needed therapy, and I couldn't afford another failed relationship.

Lynn and I have been working together over 10 weeks now, and from the get go she wanted me to file a claim for disability. It took a lot in my heart, in my mind to accept this. There was one statement she said, and I've never looked back. "The last year was horrible and frightening, if you go on disability you will never face that again". SOLD.  So my career dreams, I grieved them, but I also found that I will have the opportunity to use my smarts towards what I want to. To make a difference.

I wanted to get a start out there of who I am, and what I've been through the last year. I invite you to join me through the journey of rebuilding to once again defy logic. To achieve in a place in life where one is almost set up to fail. To learn to love life in a way I never knew possible :)

- Defying Logic