Sunday, May 31, 2015

It all happens for a reason in the end :)

Wow, I was going to explain the just not that kinda girl reference for the blog, but I feel more like writing about a hypomanic episode. 

It was building over time I guess. I haven't been able to go skating the past couple of weeks, no bus money, I busted the pink cruiser that I had been riding around town's back tire, not the tube... So I've sort of been sort of stuck in the house 24*7 with my roommate Lorena. She happens to work from home. Wow... I think I started getting stuck feeling, and so much energy led to so much anxiety.
I was taking extra anxiety pills every day it seemed, red flag #1. For me my episodes suck because of the anxiety piece!!

I joined a couple dating sites, at first it was an ego boost. See, for years I was the pretty, funny, chubby chick. Now, since I can't work at all while filing my disability claim, I fill my time rollerblading (a 3 hr task) and sitting in the natural sun everyday to help me sleep through the night (and yes, after a couple of weeks it does). So all of the sudden, I'm hot... Wow, are men brave on dating sites... Not get to know you, got pics? What do you mean you only kiss on a first date? (I mean do the math, that's really gross) 

I did meet a few nice guys, but my situation generally scares dudes away, along withy boredom and compulsive messaging. F!!! That is an awful symptom... I had met a good guy named  Matthew, I was pretty well digging him, his was my kinda cute and we had that banter on chat. I think it was reciprocated too. We were actually supposed to have out first date tonight.

Something happened with my  roommates Friday that triggered a super hypomanic episode. Crying the whole night... Worst of all manic messaging to the boy that I thought things we

I don't even know half of what asshole came streaming out of my mouth to him the last 48 hrs. I asked for him to please pay my phone bill so I could talk to him? Horrified.... :/

My friend Nairb was trying to send me $100 so I could pay phone bill(omg, phone over WiFi only since the 19th... Awful feeling) and he couldn't get his full credit card to go in to the payment site ( I think he was putting spaces between the 4 card digits :/) I just really wanted to talk to Matthew... So I was bugging Brian non stop, bugging Lorena to use her phone nonstop to call and help Brian, and for sure bugging Matthew nonstop.

When Nairb, who was a good friend I listened to when I realized I was manic in Feb, finished getting my phone payment made, he was like, your mania is like level 8... Oh shit, I thought!!! It is. Luckily I have literally a Dr named amaze. I call him on a Saturday, he calls back in 15 min, we double my latuda dose and I ride out the night still manic.

This morning I woke up to the stillness I love. My brain was so quiet again, mind you I was a noodle until 10:00, but I also knew the damage I had done the previous 48 hrs with Matthew... I have a good phrase my very wise friend Patrica taught me, I am always responsible for my actions, even though at times I am not always in control of them. What better way to describe living with bipolar?? I begged Matthew for a rewind, but it was seriously bad enough that if I called, he didn't just send it to voicemail, no, I had finished this guy off so bad, he would answer and hang up in record speed.

At least my friend called me out and I listened and called the doc to get on it super fast. It all comes around though. I am slightly medicated today because of all the last 48 hrs. I went to see my therapist I moved to the south Florida area to work with, she's been around 9 years minus the last 2, and had to come to realize I no longer will have transportation to see her. That really could have turned in to a disaster for me. I understand it is only changing providers for a few months, then i at get a place of my own in a coastal area as opposed to the country. Between the extra meds which have given me the ability to understand that it's only a short term change, and the option that we may initiate contact with my sisters when we resume care, I'm ok with it.
It always comes around, always know anything can be dealt with. Losing Matthew is nothing in comparison to losing my therapist... But thank you Matthew for making me crazy not responding and hanging up on my admitted manic ass. Considering the circumstances of how my session ended and if I were unmedicated, it probably would've been a shitty date in the long run honestly, lmao.

So I'm down, though I did just write an uber long post... But there's was a lot going on, it was an episode, but we caught it fast :D that makes it not so bad ;)

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